Life Saver PigA homeless man stops at a farmhouse to beg to spend the night. The farmer answers the door and says, “Sure, we can put you up.”
The vagrant washes up for dinner and meets the family downstairs. Sitting at the dinner table are the farmer, his wife, their son, and a gigantic pig who is sitting at the table like a human. Throughout the meal the vagrant tries not to stare at the pig, who sports three medals around his neck, as well as a wooden leg.
Finally, he can contain his curiosity no longer. He asks “Would you mind telling me about the bronze medal around your pig’s neck?”
The farmer says “Sure. It’s really an incredible story. Little Timmy here was swimming in the lake when he got a cramp and started to drown. This pig heard his cries for help, busted out of his pen, ran to the lake, and saved our son’s life. So, we gave him the medal.”
The vagrant is amazed and says “Well, how about that silver medal?”
The farmer says “A few months ago our house caught fire in the middle of the night while we were all sleeping. This pig saw the flames, busted out of his pen and ran into the house, waking us up in time. To show our gratitude we gave him that silver medal.”
The homeless man says “While I’m at it, I might as well ask you about the gold medal.”
The farmer says “My wife was attacked by a burglar several weeks ago. This pig heard her cries, busted out of his pen, and chased that man far away. To show my thanks I gave him that gold medal”
The homeless man sits in awe of the pig, who is blithely eating his meal with a knife and fork. He asks “What about the wooden leg?”
The farmer says, matter-of-factly, “Well, you don’t eat a pig like THAT all at once!”
At the confessional
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks,- Is that you, little Joey Pagano?
- Yes, Father.
- And who was the girl you were with?
- I can’t tell you, Father, I don’t want to ruin her reputation.
- Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.
- Was it Tina Minetti?
- I cannot say.
- Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?
- I’ll never tell.
- Was it Nina Capelli?
- I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.
- Was it Cathy Piriano?
- My lips are sealed.
- Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?
- Please, Father, I cannot tell you. The priest sighs in frustration.
- You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself. Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers...
- What’d you get?
- Four months vacation and five good leads…
Chicken Little
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.
She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.
She read, '… and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
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