VARIATIONS ON MURPHY'S LAW

1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

This kind of misdeed can happen to the most respectable families

A YANKEE IN QUEEN ELIZABETH'S COURT

The Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.

They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses.

The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Bush, "Mr. President please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

George Bush, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

QUOTE OF THE DAY

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer "Present" or "Not guilty." Theodore Roosevelt 26th president of US (1858 - 1919)




Editor's Note:
That reminds me of...... forget it!
H.C.

LAUGHTER'S THE BEST MEDICINE

PARROTS...

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,

- Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.

- What do they say? the priest inquired.

- They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

- That's obscene! the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.

- You know, he said, I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship!

Thank you, the woman responded, this may very well be the solution.

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison...

- "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,

-"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."

UNDERSTANDING ALL THAT PROGRESS

Computers are unquestionably part of everyday life and the Internet has, since the middle of the 1990s, revolutionized communication. Computer technology is becoming cheaper and more available around the world. However, due to the fact that this technology is relatively new and changes rapidly you ought to be familiar with the equipment and its possibilities. The Internet along with the Computer are becoming part of everybody’s lives and here’s some vocabulary that may come in handy as you navigate the World of the Wide Web. H.C.


dot com - a website company
site – website a place to go on the
world wide web
e-commerce - shopping on the web
online - on the Internet
search engine - helps you look for
different websites on the web
web browser - helps you “browse”
or look around the web
www– world wide web

some “e-breviations”
e-mail – electronic mail
e-card – electronic greeting card
e-ticket – electronic airline ticket
BTW – used in e-mail – means “by the way”
FAQ – “frequently asked questions”
HTML – the standard language for writing
documents on the web
URL – a web address, like www.bixiguento.com
ISP – internet service provider, the company that
gives you internet service.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

I DIDN'T ATTEND THE FUNERAL, BUT I SENT A NICE LETTER SAYING THAT I APPROVED OF IT. Mark Twain. American humorist, satirist, writer, and lecturer.

LAUGHTER'S THE BEST MEDICINE

Golfing with the Wife

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture."

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife,
"Hey, this looks like yours!"

"I don't quite remember much after that..."

PONDER THESE

THE WORK OF STEVEN WRIGHT

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy who once said "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates".

Steven Alexander Wright is an Academy Award-winning American stand-up comedian, actor writer from Burlington, Massachusetts. He is known for his slow, deadpan, monotone delivery of ironic, witty, deeply philosophical and sometimes confusing jokes and one-liners with overly contrived situations.

Here are some more of his gems:

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Teaching Tips & Ideas

IDIOMS

É de fundamental importância o aspecto idiomático quando duas línguas são comparadas na equivalência do vocabulário. Em Português, por exemplo, a saudação matinal mais comum é Bom dia, a qual traduzida (aliás, eu implico com a palavra TRADUÇÃO) ao pé da letra para o Inglês, resultaria num insólito Good day, em vez do correto e usual Good morning. Existe uma correspondência perfeita de idéias, mas não uma regra geral de formas usadas para representar essas idéias. Certas expressões idiomáticas freqüentemente citadas não são na verdade muito importantes, porque as idéias que elas representam podem ser facilmente colocadas de outra forma. Outras, entretanto, desempenham um papel bastante importante pelo fato de dificilmente poderem ser substituídas, bem como pelo alto grau de cotidianidade e pela freqüência com que ocorrem no inglês dos native speakers. A maioria das expressões aqui relacionadas são indispensáveis para quem deseja expressar-se de forma adequada em inglês. H.C.

CONVENCIONALIDADES - EXPRESSIONS OF POLITENESS

Prazer em conhecê-lo. - Nice to meet you. / I'm glad to know you. / It's a pleasure to know you. /How do you do.

O prazer é meu. - Nice to meet you too.

Como vai? - How are you? / How are you doing? / How is it going?

Há quanto tempo! - It's been a long time.

De nada. / Não há de que. / Disponha. / Tudo bem. / Que é isso! / - You're welcome. That's OK. / Not at all. / Don't mention it. / It's my pleasure.

Igualmente. - The same to you. / You too.

Com licença. / Dá licença. - Excuse me. Como? / O que? (quando não se entende o que o interlocutor disse) - Excuse me? / Pardon? / Beg your pardon? / What? (less polite)

Eu já volto. - I'll be right back.

Até logo. / Até amanhã. - I'll (I will) see you later (tomorrow). / See you.

Como é que você passou o fim de semana? - How did you spend the weekend? / Parece que vai chover. - It looks like it's going to rain. / It looks like rain.

Será que vai chover neste fim de semana? - I wonder if it's going to rain this weekend.

Tomara que não chova. - I hope it doesn't rain.

Faça-os entrar. - Show them in.

Fique à vontade. / Esteja à vontade. / Faça de conta que está em casa. / Esteja a gosto. - Make yourself at home. / Make yourself comfortable.

Sirva-se. - Help yourself. / Be my guest. / Go ahead. (informal)

Você está se divertindo? - Are you having a good time? / Are you enjoying yourself? Are you having fun?

O que você achou da festa? - How did you like the party? / What did you think of the party?

Não, obrigado; estou satisfeito. / Estou servido. - No, thanks. I'm full. / I've had enough.

Saúde! (Quando alguém espirra) - God bless you. / Bless you.

Saúde! (Brinde) - Cheers!

Pois não? / Que deseja? - May I help you? / Can I help you? / What can I do for you? / What can I get for you?

Você é que resolve. / Você que sabe. - It's up to you.

Por mim, tudo bem. - It's OK with me.

Vamos dar uma volta? - Let's go for a walk. / Let's take a walk. / Do you want to go for a walk? Let's go for a drive. / Would you like to go for a drive?

Qualquer um; tanto faz. - Either one. / Whatever. / It doesn't matter. / It doesn't make any difference. / It makes no difference.

Me avisa se mudares de idéia. - Let me know if you change your mind.

Lembranças. / Abraços. - Regards. / Give my best.

Vamos manter contato. - Let's keep in touch.

Boa viagem! - Have a nice trip!