10 POINTS THAT TOOK ME ALMOST 50 YEARS TO LEARN WHO'S WHO?

David Barry, Jr. (born July 3, 1947) is a bestselling American author and Pulitzer Prize-winning humorist who wrote a nationally syndicated column for the The Miami Herald from 1983 to 2005.

Barry was born in Armonk, New York. He was educated at Pleasantville High School where he was elected class clown in 1965. He earned a Bachelor of Arts degree in English from Haverford College in 1969.

As the son of a minister and an alumnus of a Quaker-affiliated college, Barry avoided military service during the Vietnam War by registering as a religious conscientious objector.

1. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

2.  People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

3. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

4. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

7. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

8. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

9. Your friends love you anyway.

10. Never be afraid to try something new just remember that a lone amateur built the Ark and a large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Clip of The Day

Have a Good Time!

Tale of a Lost Senior Citizen

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong.
He told me,

- "I have a 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I continued,

- Well, then why are you crying? He added,

- She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite biscuits, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon. I said,

- Well, why are you crying? He said,

- For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then we cuddle until the small hours.
I inquired,

- Well then, why in the world would you be crying? He replied,

- "I can't remember where I live."

The Ant & the Grasshopper

Classic Version:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

Modern Version:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Then a representative of the NAAGB (National Association of Green Bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with "green bias", and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News to tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as Bill refers to it, the "Temperatures of the 80's." Richard Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."

Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act" retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday's between 1:30 and 3pm when there are no talk shows scheduled.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of Democrats announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in America.

LAUGHTER’S THE BEST MEDICINE

What A Coincidence

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says,

- "I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland ."

The other woman responds proudly, ‘

- "Yes, I sure am!" The first one says,

- "So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?" The other woman answers,

- "I’m from Dublin, I am." The first one responds,

- "So, am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?" The other woman says,

- "A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town." The first one says,

- "Faith, and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?" The other woman answers,

- "Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course." The first one gets really excited and says,

- "And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?" The other woman answers,

- "Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964." The first woman exclaims,

- "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it?

- "I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!"

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters,

- "It’s going to be a long night tonight." Michael asks,

- "Why do you say that, Brian?" Brian answers,

- “The Murphy twins are drunk again!"

Teaching Tips

An oxymoron (plural oxymorons or oxymora) (from Greek ?µ?, "sharp dull") is a figure of speech that combines contradictory terms: e.g. "thunderous silence".
Below is a long list. Help yourself. HC

47. Act naturally
46. Found missing
45. Resident alien
44. Advanced BASIC
43. Genuine imitation
42. Airline Food
41. Good grief
40. Same difference
39. Almost exactly
38. Government organization
37. Sanitary landfill
36. Alone together
35. Legally drunk
34. Silent scream
33. American history
32. Living dead
31. Small crowd
30. Business ethics
29. Soft rock
28. Butt Head
27. Military Intelligence
26. Software documentation
25. New York culture
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
09. Political science
08. Tight slacks
07. Definite maybe
06. Pretty ugly
05. Twelve-ounce pound cake
04. Diet ice cream
03. Working vacation
02. Exact estimate

And the Number one top Oxymoron

01. Microsoft Works

Quotation Of The Day

"When I was in university, there was this major historian of the Third Reich, Ian Kershaw, who said, 'The path to Auschwitz was paved with indifference.' (...) it's an interesting idea that not everyone in Germany had to be a raving anti-Semite. They just had to be apathetic." - Sacha Baron Cohen

Mr Cohen is an English stand-up comedian, writer, actor, and voice artist. He is most widely known for writing and playing three unorthodox fictional characters Ali G, Borat, and Brüno.

Wise Sentence of The Day

"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternising with the enemy".

Warning Signs On Alcohol Bottles

Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.

Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.

Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.

LAUGHTER’S THE BEST MEDICINE

Zodiac : Hidden Meanings

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb 18) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a jerk.

PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20) - You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have a minor influence on your friends, and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 20) - You are the pioneer type and think most people are quick-tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You too are a jerk.

TAURUS (Apr 21-May 20) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded.

GEMINI (May 21-Jun 20) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard.

CANCER (Jun 21-Jul 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everybody in prison is a Cancer.

LEO (Jul 23-Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you're an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves and spend most of their lives kissing mirrors.

VIRGO (Aug 23-Sep 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

LIBRA (Sep 23-Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male, you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21) - The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarius' are drunks. You are not worth the time of day.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19) - You are conservative and are afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

Steve Jobs - Very Funny

From this television special Francis Albert Sinatra does his thing. Cycles is a very beautiful song, and it's one of my most favorite. HC

So I'm down so I'm out
And so are many others
So I feel like tryin' to hide
My head 'neath these covers
Life is like the seasons
After winter comes the spring
So I'll keep this smile awhile
And see what tomorrow brings

I've been told and I believe
That life is meant for livin'
And even when my chips are low
There's still some left for givin'
I've been many places
Maybe not as far as you
So I think I'll stay awhile
And see if some dreams come true

There isn't much that I have learned
Through all my foolish years
Except that life keeps runnin' in cycles
First there's laughter, then those tears

But I'll keep my head up high
Although I'm kinda tired
My gal just up and left last week
Friday I got fired
You know it's almost funny
But things can't get worse than now
So I'll keep on tryin' to sing
But please, just don't ask me how

LAUGHTER’S THE BEST MEDICINE

Sunday morning at the Congregation


The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said,

- "I have a praise............ Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice,

- "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said,

- "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."




=

Songs as a teaching tool

Hugo Caldas



Should we use songs in class?

Advantages

A – Learning becomes something fun and enjoyable.
B – Music warms up the atmosphere and creates conditions for the approach of a new subject.
C – Students improve their English vocabulary and get acquainted with the culture and the spirit of the people whose language they are learning.
D – Students develop listening and pronunciation skills.
E – Students feel gratified and proud of being able to use English from the very beginning of learning it.
F – Singing together helps socialization.

When should we sing?

A –When we want to encourage then to learn.
B –When we notice that they are tired.
C –When they ask us to.
D –When the song has something to do with the lesson we’re studying.
E – At the end of a term and at the beginning of a new one.
F – On the eve of a special holiday, students’ birthday, Xmas, etc.

What songs should we sing?

A – The ones which have a lot of repetition and which contain the vocabulary and grammatical structures, we want to emphasize in that particular class.
B – Songs appropriate to the age and educational level of them.
C – Folk songs, which are familiar in both the students’culture and the culture of the new language they are learning.
D – Songs that are not familiar in the students’culture but they are likely to hear because of the international nature of the songs.
E – Hit Parade songs which are also known here.
F – Try different styles but do not forget to ask students what they would like to sing.

Reading & Comprehension

Worksheet

Old Jake

Everybody knows him as Old Jake. He lives in a little cabin in the middle of a small wood, about as mile from the nearest village. He goes to the village store twice a week to buy food and kerosene, and occasionally he collects letters and his pension from the local post office. Some time ago, a reporter from the local newspaper interviewed him.

Here is what he said:

“I get up with the birds. There is a stream near my house where I fetch water from there. It’s good, clear, fresh water, much better than you get in the city. Occasionally, in the winter, I have to break the ice. I cook simple food on my kerosene stove; mostly stews and things like that. Sometimes I go to the pub and have a drink or two, but I don’t see many people. I don’t feel lonely. I know this wood very well, you see. I know all the little birds and animals that live here and they know me. I don’t have much money, but I don’t need much. I think I’m a lucky man.

Now, answer the following questions:

1 – Where does Old Jake live?
2 – Who interviewed him recently?
3 – How far is it to the village?
4 – How often does Old Jake go to the village?
5 – What does he buy from the village store?
6 – What does he collect from the Post Office?
7 – Where does he get his water from?
8 – What does he say about the water in the stream?
9 – What sort of things does Old Jake cook?
10 – What does he cook on?

Teaching Tips

Tag Questions

A Question Tag is a special construction in English. It is a statement followed by a mini-question. The whole sentence is a "tag question", and the mini-question at the end is called a "question tag". A "tag" is something small that we add to something larger. For example, the little piece of cloth added to a shirt showing size or washing instructions is a tag.

We use tag questions at the end of statements to ask for confirmation. They mean something like: "Am I right?" or "Do you agree?" They are very common in English.

The basic structure is:
A statement, a comma and the question
e.g. The sky above us is blue, isn't it? - You don't like vegetables, do you?

Always remember:
Positive statement, negative tag
Negative statement, positive tag

Practise - Complete the Tags:

1 - You study Japanese,_______? She doesn't eat potaes,_______?
2 - We don't play the piano,_______? The like to play soccr,_______?
3 - You are from Japan,_______? She likes to travel,_______?

Video Clip of the Day

Gilda is a 1946 American black-and-white film noir directed by Charles Vidor. It stars Glenn Ford and Rita Hayworth in her signature role as the ultimate femme fatale. "There never was a woman like Gilda". The film's plot is continually narrated by Johnny Farrell (Glenn Ford), a small-time American gambler newly arrived in Buenos Aires. When he wins a lot of money cheating at craps, he has to be rescued from a robbery attempt by a complete stranger, Ballin Mundson (George Macready). Mundson tells him about an illegal high-class casino, but warns him not to practice his skills there. Farrell ignores his advice, cheats at blackjack, and is taken by two men to see the casino's owner, who turns out to be Mundson. Farrell talks Mundson into hiring him and quickly gains his confidence. The film was noted for cinematographer Rudolph Mate's lush photography, costume designer Jean Louis' wardrobe for Hayworth, particularly for the dance numbers, and choreographer Jack Cole's staging of "Put the Blame on Mame" and "Amado Mio", sung by Anita Ellis, who dubbed the singimg voice of Rita Hayworth. Miss Ellis also sang on the radio and was a regular guest on The Red Skelton Show. She eventually ended her career in 1987. Enjoy the Clip. HC

Wise Sentence of The Day

“Thirty years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have no jobs, no cash and no hope ” An American citizen.

LAUGHTER’S THE BEST MEDICINE

Doctors meeting

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.

Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."

The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."

The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."

Rules Are Rules
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for most patients when they're being discharged. However, this girl working as a student nurse found one elderly gentleman -- already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase as his feet -- who insisted he didn't need her help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let the nurse wheel him to the elevator. On the way down, she asked if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "I think she's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

Jake and the CowFarmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him.

Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered their sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down, but when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"

"Well," Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, 'Is that mule for sale?' and I shook my head, no."

Now, Ponder these

Steven Right



What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Useless Erudition

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

"lollipop" is the longest word typed with your right hand.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

Our eyes are always the same size from birth,
but our nose and ears never stop growing.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' , and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (they are known as palindromes).

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious and facetious

TYPEWRITER
The longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

Word Origins

Beefeater

This term has been around since 1610. It originally meant a well-fed servant. The more famous use in reference to the Yeoman of the Guard of the English royal household and later to the Warders of the Tower of London dates to 1671. Beefeater is quite literal in origin, being a reference to the diets of well-off and spoiled servants. It contrasts with loaf-eater, a reference to a servant who eats the bread provided by his master, a term that dates back to Old English.

It is often incorrectly postulated the term comes from a supposed French word, buffetier. This alleged root, which would mean one who eats from a buffet, does not exist. Sometimes the word beaufet is presented as a transitional form, but this is simply a 17th century alternative spelling of buffet and appears later than beefeater.

(Source: Oxford English Dictionary, 2nd Edition)

Word of The Day

Anonymous - adjective

MEANING

Not named or identified
e.g. The donor wishes to remain anonymous. An anonymous buyer purchased the painting.

Made or done by someone unknown
e.g. The college received an anonymous gift. He made an anonymous phone call to the police. The reporter got an anonymous tip.

(more anonymous; most anonymous)

Not distinct or noticeable
Lacking interesting or unusual characteristics.
e.g. She works in an anonymous (bland, nondescript) brick building. His was just another anonymous face in the crowd.

— anonymously adverb
e.g. They made the donation anonymously.

Clip of the Day

Joe Brown, is an English entertainer. He's worked as a rock and roll singer and guitarist for more than five decades. He was a stage and television performer in the late 1950s and a UK recording star in the early 1960s. Mr. Brown has made six films, presented specialist radio series for BBC Radio 2, appeared on the West End stage alongside Dame Anna Neagle. In recent years he has again concentrated on recording and performing music, playing two tours of around 100 shows every year and releasing an album almost every year. Described by the Guinness Book of British Hit Singles & Albums, as a "chirpy Cockney", Brown was one of the original artists managed by the early rock impresario, Larry Parnes". He is highly regarded in the music business as a 'musician's musician' who 'commands respect and admiration from a wide spectrum of artists'. His performance of "I'll See You In My Dreams" at the "Concert for George" shows that he is still great after all these years. HC

Now, Ponder these

Steven Wright

Steven Alexander Wright is an American comedian, actor and writer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes and one-liners with contrived situations. If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy who once said:

"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates."

Here are some more of his gems:

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."

"Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back."

"Half the people you know are below average, 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name."

"Half all statistics are made up on the spot."

"A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good."

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."

"If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."

"All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand."

"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. (Think about it some more.)

LAUGHTER’S THE BEST MEDICINE

What They Don't Teach You At Harvard

Two gentleman walked into the men's locker room at their prestigious country club; one was wearing a Harvard jacket, the other a Yale pullover.

After taking a leak, the Harvard man stopped to wash his hands--while the Yale man walked towards the door.

The Harvard man looked at the Yale man disapprovingly. "At Harvard, we take care to wash our hands after using the lavatory."

"Well," the Yale man replied, "at Yale, we know not to piss on our hands."

At the Church

A little boy was attending a wedding for the first time. After the service, his cousin asked him,

- "How many women can a man marry?"

- "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.

- "How do you know that?"

- "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"

A "marriage of the 90's"

Jack and Jill got married. John thought this would be a "marriage of the 90's", equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted,

- "Poached? I wanted scrambled!"

Undaunted, the next morning, Jack brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn't having any of it.

- "Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted poached this morning!"

Part II

Determined to please Jill, the next morning Jack thought, "third time's a charm" and brought her two eggs: one scrambled and one poached.

- "Here, my love, enjoy!" Jill looks at the plate and says, "You scrambled the wrong egg."

The Wedding Ring

A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring. As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.

- "Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said,

- "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."

The Certificate

This guy was talking to his buddy, when he said,

- "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said,

- "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!"

So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked,

- "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"

- "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

LawnmowerWoman: - "Doctor, for the last eight months, my husband has thought that he's a lawnmower."

Doctor: - "That's terrible, why didn't you bring him in sooner?"

Woman: - "Because the neighbor just returned him this morning."

Famous Quotations

"A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesnt believe, and leaves before she is left." Marilyn Monroe. One of the most enduring sex symbols of our time.

Famous Last Words

"Are you guys ready? Let's roll".

Todd Beamer, passenger on United Flight 93, September 11, 2001. These are his last recorded words, coming at the end of a cell phone call before Beamer and others attempted to storm the airliner's cockpit to retake it from hijackers who were part of the 9/11 terrorist attacks. The plane crashed near Shanksville, Pennsylvania.

Word Origins

Was the first computer 'bug' a real insect?

The story goes that one of the early electromechanical computers suffered a failure because an insect had crawled into the machine and been squashed between the moving parts of a relay switch, thereby jamming it. The incident was written up in the logbook and spread from there throughout the whole of the infant computer industry. However, although the account seems to be genuine, the word is older: the event was recorded as an amusement for posterity precisely because the term 'bug' was already in use.

The term in fact originates not with computer pioneers, but with engineers of a much earlier generation. The first example cited in the 20-volume historical Oxford English Dictionary is from the Pall Mall Gazette of 11 March 1889:

"I was informed that Mr. Edison, had been up the two previous nights discovering 'a bug' in his phonograph - an expression for solving a difficulty, and implying that some imaginary insect has secreted itself inside and is causing all the trouble."

It seems clear from this that the original 'bug', though it was indeed an insect, was in fact imaginary.

RULES OF THUMB

You can identify a bad writer before you have seen a word of his copy if he uses the expression "we writers." Gardner Botsford - Veteran editor at The New Yorker magazine.

Word of The Day

OUTBREAK noun (count)

Plural - Outbreaks

MEANING
A sudden start or increase of fighting or disease:

e.g. a cholera outbreak — often followed by of

They are preparing for an outbreak of the virus.

Clip of the Day

Good Old Times

"Way Out West" is a Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy comedy film released in 1937. It was directed by James W. Horne, produced by Stan Laurel and distributed by Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer. This film was the second picture for which Laurel was credited as producer, the first was 1936's "Our Relations"; Laurel had served in that capacity uncredited for the duo's entire career. The executive producer was Hal Roach.

Film soundtrack

The film's score was composed by Marvin Hatley and nominated for an Academy Award for Best Music Scoring. The film includes two famous songs, "Trail Of The Lonesome Pine" sung by Laurel and Hardy except for a few lines by Chill Wills and Rosina Lawrence, lip-synched for comedic effect by Laurel and "At The Ball, That's All" sung by The Avalon Boys and accompanied by Laurel and Hardy performing an extended dance routine, which they rehearsed endlessly.

Times of non-violence and pure humor. Enjoy the clip. HC

LAUGHTER’S THE BEST MEDICINE

- Little Mary Margaret

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt with the pencil.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, ‘Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.



Water In Carburetor

"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburetor."

"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."

"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburetor."

"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"

"In the swimming pool."




- Everything Is Big In Texas

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.

When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said,

- "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered,

- "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed,

- "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied,

- "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied,

- "Second door to the right."

The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting,

- "Don't flush, don't flush!



- Be Polite

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: '

Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to... the bathroom?'

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite'. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.

' 'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.'

- The teacher was speechless and fainted

- You're A Big Boy, Johny !

Little Johnny runs down the stairs in tears.
His mother asked,

- “What’s the matter now?”

- “Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer,” said little Johnny through his tears.

- “That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you just laugh?

- “I did!” sobbed Johnny

Famous Quotations

"I do not paint a portrait to look like the subject, rather does the person grow to look like his portrait". Salvador Dali

Famous Last Words

"I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis". Humphrey Bogart, actor.

Words Origin

RULES OF THUMB

Will vs Going To

Option 1

Ignore it completely, especially at lower levels.

The difference between will and going to (not to mention other ways of expressing futurity) is so subtle that it cannot be easily conveyed through rules or isolated examples. Moreover, often the two forms are interchangeable (I think it will rain/I think it’s going to rain) or the meaning overlaps to such an extent that there is no risk of the learner being misunderstood.

Option 2

Teach some 'rules of thumb', and hope that these are sufficient to deal with the majority of instances that learners will come across. For example:

'Going to' is a kind of present tense – look at its form! – so you use it when you want to talk about a future situation that is already connected to the present, e.g. because there’s present evidence, or because a plan is already in motion:

e.g. - I think it’s going to rain – I just felt a drop.
They’re going to retire to the country – they’ve already bought a little cottage.

In other cases, where there is no implicit or explicit connection to the present, use will.

e.g. - The concert will be over by midnight. I’ll light the barbecue.

Word of the Day

Spoon A

Pronunciation: 'spün

Function: Noun

1 : An eating or cooking implement consisting of a small shallow bowl with a relatively long handle
2 : Something (as a tool or fishing lure) that resembles a spoon in shape

Spoon B

Function: transitive verb
: to take up and usually transfer in a spoon

intransitive verb (perhaps from the Welsh custom of an engaged man's presenting his fiancée with an elaborately carved wooden spoon) : to make love by caressing, kissing, and talking amorously : NECK

Clip of the Day

Rowan Atkinson's about to tell Mr. Bean goodbye. The star feels he is too old to play the character any more. Everyone remembers the first time Rowan Atkinson brought his comic creation Mr Bean to the screens in 1989. The series ran until 1995 and since spawned two film versions under the directorial eye of Mel Smith. Atkinson has now revealed that he has probably said goodbye to the character for good as he’s getting too old. Talking to the press, Atkinson said, “I’ve got the feeling that I probably won’t play the character again. Never say never but I feel I’m getting too old. I have always liked Mr Bean as a cartoon like character who doesn’t really age much. I’ve always seen him as ageless and timeless and I’m clearly not that. The older I get the less qualified I feel I am to play him.” Watch the Clip. The transcriptions are available here because of a little help from Claudio Henrique Caldas Mattos who happens to be my grandson. And also a very good teacher. HC




Rowan Atkinson Amazing Jesus

"And on the third day there was a marriage in Cana of Galilee, and it came to pass that all the wine was drunk. And the mother of Jesus said unto the Lord,

- they have no more wine. And Jesus said unto the servants:”

- Fill six water pots with water”. And they did so.

And when the steward of the feast did taste the water from the pots it had become wine, and they knew not whence it had come. But the servants did know and they applauded loudly in the kitchen. And they said unto the Lord:

- “How the hell did you do that?” And inquired of him:” Do you do children’s parties?”. And the Lord said:

- “No.” But the servants did press him saying:

- “Go on, give us another one”. And so he brought forth a carrot and said,

- “Behold this for it is a carrot and all about him knew that it was so. For it was orange, with a green top. And he did place a large red cloth over the carrot and then removed it and lo he held in his hand a white rabbit and all were amazed and said:

- “This guy is really good! He should turn professional.” And they brought him on a stretcher a man who was sick of the palsy; and they cried onto him:

- ”Maestro, this man is sick of the palsy.” And the Lord said:”

- If I have to spend my whole life on a stretcher, I’d be pretty sick of the palsy too.” And they were filled with joy. And cried out:

- “Lord, thy one-liners are as good as thy tricks. Thou art indeed an all-round family entertainer.” And then came in to him a woman called Mary who had seen the Lord and believed. And Jesus said unto her:

- “Put on a tutu" and lie down in this box”, and then took he forth a saw and cleft her in twain. And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. But Jesus said:

- “Oh,Ye of little faith!”. And he threw open the box and lo Mary was whole and the crowd went absolutely bananas. And Jesus and Mary took a big bow and he said unto her:

- “From now on you shall be known as Sharon for that is a good name for an assistant. And the people said:

- “We’ve never seen anything like this. This is great. You must be the son of God.”

Here ends the lesson.

LAUGHTER’S THE BEST MEDICINE

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,

- "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply?
A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied,

- "My wife's first husband."


How To Impress A Girl ?

An older guy was working out at the gym. He was not in very good shape, but he perked up when he spotted a sweet young thing across the room. She was gorgeous!

He finally caught the trainer's eye and motioned him over.

- "Can I help you?" the buff expert asked.

- "Yeah," the graying, paunchy, guy said, huffing even though he was only pushing 10 pounds. "That girl over there...."

The trainer takes a quick look.

- "Ah, Ramona. She's in great shape, eh?"

- "Yeah," the guy says, puffing. "What machine in this place should I use to impress her?"

- "There's only one machine that could possibly work, if you're up to it," the trainer said.

- "What!?" the sweaty flab-master demanded.

- "The ATM in the lobby."