Tuesday, November 03, 2009

The Necklace - Final

Guy de Maupassant

He stood up, bewildered.

"What!--how? Impossible!"

They looked among the folds of her skirt, of her cloak, in her pockets, everywhere, but did not find it.

"You're sure you had it on when you left the ball?" he asked.

"Yes, I felt it in the vestibule of the minister's house."

"But if you had lost it in the street we should have heard it fall. It must be in the cab."

"Yes, probably. Did you take his number?"

"No. And you--didn't you notice it?"

"No."

They looked, thunderstruck, at each other. At last Loisel put on his clothes.

"I shall go back on foot," said he, "over the whole route, to see whether I can find it."

He went out. She sat waiting on a chair in her ball dress, without strength to go to bed, overwhelmed, without any fire, without a thought.

Her husband returned about seven o'clock. He had found nothing.

He went to police headquarters, to the newspaper offices to offer a reward; he went to the cab companies--everywhere, in fact, whither he was urged by the least spark of hope.

She waited all day, in the same condition of mad fear before this terrible calamity.

Loisel returned at night with a hollow, pale face. He had discovered nothing.

"You must write to your friend," said he, "that you have broken the clasp of her necklace and that you are having it mended. That will give us time to turn round."

She wrote at his dictation.

At the end of a week they had lost all hope. Loisel, who had aged five years, declared:

"We must consider how to replace that ornament."

The next day they took the box that had contained it and went to the jeweler whose name was found within. He consulted his books.

"It was not I, madame, who sold that necklace; I must simply have furnished the case."

Then they went from jeweler to jeweler, searching for a necklace like the other, trying to recall it, both sick with chagrin and grief.

They found, in a shop at the Palais Royal, a string of diamonds that seemed to them exactly like the one they had lost. It was worth forty thousand francs. They could have it for thirty-six.

So they begged the jeweler not to sell it for three days yet. And they made a bargain that he should buy it back for thirty-four thousand francs, in case they should find the lost necklace before the end of February.

Loisel possessed eighteen thousand francs which his father had left him. He would borrow the rest.

He did borrow, asking a thousand francs of one, five hundred of another, five louis here, three louis there. He gave notes, took up ruinous obligations, dealt with usurers and all the race of lenders. He compromised all the rest of his life, risked signing a note without even knowing whether he could meet it; and, frightened by the trouble yet to come, by the black misery that was about to fall upon him, by the prospect of all the physical privations and moral tortures that he was to suffer, he went to get the new necklace, laying upon the jeweler's counter thirty-six thousand francs.

When Madame Loisel took back the necklace Madame Forestier said to her with a chilly manner:

"You should have returned it sooner; I might have needed it."

She did not open the case, as her friend had so much feared. If she had detected the substitution, what would she have thought, what would she have said? Would she not have taken Madame Loisel for a thief?

Thereafter Madame Loisel knew the horrible existence of the needy. She bore her part, however, with sudden heroism. That dreadful debt must be paid. She would pay it. They dismissed their servant; they changed their lodgings; they rented a garret under the roof.

She came to know what heavy housework meant and the odious cares of the kitchen. She washed the dishes, using her dainty fingers and rosy nails on greasy pots and pans. She washed the soiled linen, the shirts and the dishcloths, which she dried upon a line; she carried the slops down to the street every morning and carried up the water, stopping for breath at every landing. And dressed like a woman of the people, she went to the fruiterer, the grocer, the butcher, a basket on her arm, bargaining, meeting with impertinence, defending her miserable money, sou by sou.

Every month they had to meet some notes, renew others, obtain more time.

Her husband worked evenings, making up a tradesman's accounts, and late at night he often copied manuscript for five sous a page.

This life lasted ten years.

At the end of ten years they had paid everything, everything, with the rates of usury and the accumulations of the compound interest.

Madame Loisel looked old now. She had become the woman of impoverished households--strong and hard and rough. With frowsy hair, skirts askew and red hands, she talked loud while washing the floor with great swishes of water. But sometimes, when her husband was at the office, she sat down near the window and she thought of that gay evening of long ago, of that ball where she had been so beautiful and so admired.

What would have happened if she had not lost that necklace? Who knows? who knows? How strange and changeful is life! How small a thing is needed to make or ruin us!

But one Sunday, having gone to take a walk in the Champs Elysees to refresh herself after the labors of the week, she suddenly perceived a woman who was leading a child. It was Madame Forestier, still young, still beautiful, still charming.

Madame Loisel felt moved. Should she speak to her? Yes, certainly. And now that she had paid, she would tell her all about it. Why not?

She went up.

"Good-day, Jeanne."

The other, astonished to be familiarly addressed by this plain good-wife, did not recognize her at all and stammered:

"But--madame!--I do not know---- You must have mistaken."

"No. I am Mathilde Loisel."

Her friend uttered a cry.

"Oh, my poor Mathilde! How you are changed!"

"Yes, I have had a pretty hard life, since I last saw you, and great poverty--and that because of you!"

"Of me! How so?"

"Do you remember that diamond necklace you lent me to wear at the ministerial ball?"

"Yes. Well?"

"Well, I lost it."

"What do you mean? You brought it back."

"I brought you back another exactly like it. And it has taken us ten years to pay for it. You can understand that it was not easy for us, for us who had nothing. At last it is ended, and I am very glad."

Madame Forestier had stopped.

"You say that you bought a necklace of diamonds to replace mine?"

"Yes. You never noticed it, then! They were very similar."

And she smiled with a joy that was at once proud and ingenuous.

Madame Forestier, deeply moved, took her hands.

"Oh, my poor Mathilde! Why, my necklace was false! It was not worth more than five hundred francs at the most!"

The 15 Greatest Drinking Quotes

These aren’t in any particular order but it’s easy to see with four entries in the list the W.C. Fields is by far the best boozer that has lived.

“Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the Bible says love thine enemy.”
–Frank Sinatra

“Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.”
–W. C. Fields

“Here’s to alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.” –Homer Simpson

“You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.” –Dean Martin

“There can’t be good living where there is not good drinking.”
–Benjamin Franklin

“I don’t care how liberated this world becomes – a man will always be judged by the amount of alcohol he can consume – and a woman will be impressed, whether she likes it or not.” –Doug Coughlin

“I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.”
–W. C. Fields

“My rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them.” –Winston Churchill

“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.” –Jack Handy

“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.” –W. C. Fields

“It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.” –W. C. Fields

“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. They wake up in the morning and that’s the best they are going to feel all day.” –Frank Sinatra

“You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline… it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.” –Frank Zappa

“The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.” –Humphrey Bogart

“It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.” –
George Burns

Thursday, October 22, 2009

The Man Who Never Was


The Man Who Never Was is a nonfiction 1954 book by Ewen Montagu and a 1956 World War II war film, based on the book and dramatizing actual events. It is about Operation 'Mincemeat', a 1943 British Intelligence plan to deceive the Axis powers into thinking Operation 'Husky', the Allied invasion of Sicily, would take place elsewhere.

The film was directed by Ronald Neame and starred Clifton Webb as Lt. Cmdr. Ewen Montagu, Gloria Grahame as Lucy Sherwood, Robert Flemyng as Lt. George Acres, Josephine Griffin as Pam, Stephen Boyd as Patrick O'Reilly, Laurence Naismith as Adml. Cross, Geoffrey Keen as Gen. Nye, André Morell as Sir Bernard Spilsbury, Michael Hordern as Gen. Coburn and William Squire as submarine commander Bill Jewell.

It was entered into the 1956 Cannes Film Festival

Operation 'Mincemeat' involved the acquisition of a human cadaver, dressing it as a 'Major William Martin, R.M.' and putting it into the sea near Huelva, Spain. Attached to the corpse was a brief-case containing fake letters suggesting that the Allied attack would be against Sardinia and Greece. When the body was found, the Spanish Intelligence Service passed the papers to the German Intelligence Service which passed them on to their High Command. The ruse was so successful that the Germans still believed that Sardinia and Greece were the intended objectives, weeks after the landings in Sicily had begun.


Dialog between Lieutenant Commander Ewen Montagu and "Major William Martin's" father...:

- I can assure you that this is an opportunity for your son to do a great thing for England.

- The Father: My son, sir, was a Scotsman. Very proud of it.

- Lieutenant Commander Ewen Montagu: Oh, I beg your pardon.

- The Father: Never mind. We're used to that. You English always talk about England when you mean Britain.

Laughter's the Best Medicine

Sherlock Holmes and Dr.Watson go camping. Assemble the tent and, after a good meal and a bottle of wine, throw it to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend and nudge:

- My dear Watson, look up and tell me what you see.

Watson answered:

- I see thousands and thousands of stars.

Holmes then asked:

- And what that means?

Watson ponders for a minute, then lists:

1. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and we are small and insignificant.

2. Astronomically, it means that there are thousands and thousands of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

3. Time, which is approximately, I deduce 03h15min the height where the Polar Star.

4. Weather, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day.

Holmes is a minute in silence and balanced:

- Watson, you idiot! It means that somebody stole our tent!

Sunday, October 18, 2009

The Necklace Part 3

Guy de Maupassant

...continuation

She saw first some bracelets, then a pearl necklace, then a Venetian gold cross set with precious stones, of admirable workmanship. She tried on the ornaments before the mirror, hesitated and could not make up her mind to part with them, to give them back. She kept asking:

"Haven't you any more?"

"Why, yes. Look further; I don't know what you like."

Suddenly she discovered, in a black satin box, a superb diamond necklace, and her heart throbbed with an immoderate desire. Her hands trembled as she took it. She fastened it round her throat, outside her high-necked waist, and was lost in ecstasy at her reflection in the mirror.

Then she asked, hesitating, filled with anxious doubt:

"Will you lend me this, only this?"

"Why, yes, certainly."

She threw her arms round her friend's neck, kissed her passionately, then fled with her treasure.

The night of the ball arrived. Madame Loisel was a great success. She was prettier than any other woman present, elegant, graceful, smiling and wild with joy. All the men looked at her, asked her name, sought to be introduced. All the attaches of the Cabinet wished to waltz with her. She was remarked by the minister himself.

She danced with rapture, with passion, intoxicated by pleasure, forgetting all in the triumph of her beauty, in the glory of her success, in a sort of cloud of happiness comprised of all this homage, admiration, these awakened desires and of that sense of triumph which is so sweet to woman's heart.

She left the ball about four o'clock in the morning. Her husband had been sleeping since midnight in a little deserted anteroom with three other gentlemen whose wives were enjoying the ball.

He threw over her shoulders the wraps he had brought, the modest wraps of common life, the poverty of which contrasted with the elegance of the ball dress. She felt this and wished to escape so as not to be remarked by the other women, who were enveloping themselves in costly furs.

Loisel held her back, saying: "Wait a bit. You will catch cold outside. I will call a cab."

But she did not listen to him and rapidly descended the stairs. When they reached the street they could not find a carriage and began to look for one, shouting after the cabmen passing at a distance.

They went toward the Seine in despair, shivering with cold. At last they found on the quay one of those ancient night cabs which, as though they were ashamed to show their shabbiness during the day, are never seen round Paris until after dark.

It took them to their dwelling in the Rue des Martyrs, and sadly they mounted the stairs to their flat. All was ended for her. As to him, he reflected that he must be at the ministry at ten o'clock that morning.

She removed her wraps before the glass so as to see herself once more in all her glory. But suddenly she uttered a cry. She no longer had the necklace around her neck!

"What is the matter with you?" demanded her husband, already half undressed.

She turned distractedly toward him.

"I have--I have--I've lost Madame Forestier's necklace," she cried.

To be continued...

Monday, October 05, 2009

The Necklace - Part 2

Guy de Maupassant

...continuation

Instead of being delighted, as her husband had hoped, she threw the invitation on the table crossly, muttering:

"What do you wish me to do with that?"

"Why, my dear, I thought you would be glad. You never go out, and this is such a fine opportunity. I had great trouble to get it. Every one wants to go; it is very select, and they are not giving many invitations to clerks. The whole official world will be there."

She looked at him with an irritated glance and said impatiently:

"And what do you wish me to put on my back?"

He had not thought of that. He stammered:

"Why, the gown you go to the theatre in. It looks very well to me."

He stopped, distracted, seeing that his wife was weeping. Two great tears ran slowly from the corners of her eyes toward the corners of her mouth.

"What's the matter? What's the matter?" he answered.

By a violent effort she conquered her grief and replied in a calm voice, while she wiped her wet cheeks:

"Nothing. Only I have no gown, and, therefore, I can't go to this ball. Give your card to some colleague whose wife is better equipped than I am."

He was in despair. He resumed:

"Come, let us see, Mathilde. How much would it cost, a suitable gown, which you could use on other occasions--something very simple?"

She reflected several seconds, making her calculations and wondering also what sum she could ask without drawing on herself an immediate refusal and a frightened exclamation from the economical clerk.

Finally she replied hesitating:

"I don't know exactly, but I think I could manage it with four hundred francs."

He grew a little pale, because he was laying aside just that amount to buy a gun and treat himself to a little shooting next summer on the plain of Nanterre, with several friends who went to shoot larks there of a Sunday.

But he said:

"Very well. I will give you four hundred francs. And try to have a pretty gown."

The day of the ball drew near and Madame Loisel seemed sad, uneasy, anxious. Her frock was ready, however. Her husband said to her one evening:

"What is the matter? Come, you have seemed very queer these last three days."

And she answered:

"It annoys me not to have a single piece of jewelry, not a single ornament, nothing to put on. I shall look poverty-stricken. I would almost rather not go at all."

"You might wear natural flowers," said her husband. "They're very stylish at this time of year. For ten francs you can get two or three magnificent roses."

She was not convinced.

"No; there's nothing more humiliating than to look poor among other women who are rich."

"How stupid you are!" her husband cried. "Go look up your friend, Madame Forestier, and ask her to lend you some jewels. You're intimate enough with her to do that."

She uttered a cry of joy:

"True! I never thought of it."

The next day she went to her friend and told her of her distress.

Madame Forestier went to a wardrobe with a mirror, took out a large jewel box, brought it back, opened it and said to Madame Loisel:

"Choose, my dear."

...to be continued

Monday, September 28, 2009

Robert "Bobby" McFerrin

Robert "Bobby" McFerrin, Jr. is a jazz and a cappella vocal performer, vocal improviser and conductor. He is best known for his 1988 hit song "Don't Worry, Be Happy". He is a ten-time Grammy Award winner. McFerrin was born in Manhattan, New York, the son of the late operatic baritone Robert McFerrin, and aspiring singer Sarah Cooper. Robert, Sr. was the first African American to be a regular with New York's Metropolitan Opera. Everytime I see this performance my faith in humanity is renewed. See, comment and enjoy. H.C.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Quote of The Day


After the war, two paths appeared before me: end my life as a politician, or finish it as an alcoholic. I thank God that so well guided my choice: I'm no longer a politician!
Winston Churchill

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

"Islam on Capitol Hill"

The Guardian - September 7 - 2009

On September 25th there will be a national prayer gathering of Muslims on the west front of the U.S. Capitol Building. They are expecting at least 50,000 to attend from mosques all across America. They say that they want America to see how they pray!

A permit for this gathering was issued by Capitol Hill Police on July 28th. They will gather to pray from 4:00 AM until 7:00 PM.

The gathering will take place by the site where U.S. Presidents have been inaugurated since 1981. The organizers say that it was Obama's inauguration speech in January and his speech broadcast from Egypt in June that gave them the idea for this prayer gathering on Capitol Hill.

They have a website set up for this event. To view it go to: islamoncapitolhill.com. The site features a logo with a red, white and blue hand shaking a light brown hand with the words to the preamble to the Constitution and a page of Arabic text in the background.

It is not yet known who will lead their main prayer service at 1:00 PM nor is it yet known who will preach the sermon. However, they have been working dilgently to raise money to televise the event.

As I received this news, said one of the leaders, the Lord immediately brought back to mind the words that He spoke to me quite some time ago saying, "I have strengthened Russia and China to come against America and Islam shall rise up from within America because the last three administrations have given Islam a seat of authority here in America."

He has had me share this whereever He sent me to speak and no one really wanted to hear it. Nevertheless, it is here! It is happening! Russia and China have been testing America, and Islam is arising!

These nations are but rods of judgment in the hands of Almighty God against our nation because we have turned our back on Him, His will, and His ways. Our nation has been given over to a false god with a false prophet at the helm. Dear Lord, in wrath remember mercy!

If ever we needed to be crying out for mercy for America , it is now! We must stand strong and speak Truth whereever we are and at every given opportunity. We cannot be intimidated by the enemies of our God. Let us share the true Gospel of Yeshua the Messiah at every given opportunity. When the Great commission was given it was given to all of us, in America not just some of us. May there be multitudes come in to the Kingdom of God while there is yet time.

Friday, September 18, 2009

The Necklace

All right, everybody:
Culture never hurt anyone. From today on we shall begin a series of short stories which I believe will be of great success. The very first one is a story by Guy de Maupassant, 5 August 1850 – 6 July 1893 a popular 19th-century French writer, considered one of the fathers of the modern short stories. Maupassant's stories are characterized by their economy of style and their efficient, effortless dénouement. Many of the stories are set during the Franco-Prussian War of the 1870s and several describe the futility of war and the innocent civilians who, caught in the conflict, emerge changed.
Have a nice reading.
H.C.

Guy de Maupassant

Mathilde was one of those pretty and charming young creatures who sometimes are born, as if by a slip of fate, into a family of clerks. She had no dowry, no expectations, no way of being known, understood, loved, married by any rich and distinguished man; so she let herself be married to a little clerk of the Ministry of Public Instruction.

She dressed plainly because she could not dress well, but she was unhappy as if she had really fallen from a higher station; since with women there is neither caste nor rank, for beauty, grace and charm take the place of family and birth. Natural ingenuity, instinct for what is elegant, a supple mind are their sole hierarchy, and often make of women of the people the equals of the very greatest ladies.

Mathilde suffered ceaselessly, feeling herself born to enjoy all delicacies and all luxuries. She was distressed at the poverty of her dwelling, at the bareness of the walls, at the shabby chairs, the ugliness of the curtains. All those things, of which another woman of her rank would never even have been conscious, tortured her and made her angry. The sight of the little Breton peasant who did her humble housework aroused in her despairing regrets and bewildering dreams. She thought of silent antechambers hung with Oriental tapestry, illumined by tall bronze candelabra, and of two great footmen in knee breeches who sleep in the big armchairs, made drowsy by the oppressive heat of the stove. She thought of long reception halls hung with ancient silk, of the dainty cabinets containing priceless curiosities and of the little coquettish perfumed reception rooms made for chatting at five o'clock with intimate friends, with men famous and sought after, whom all women envy and whose attention they all desire.

When she sat down to dinner, before the round table covered with a tablecloth in use three days, opposite her husband, who uncovered the soup tureen and declared with a delighted air, "Ah, the good soup! I don't know anything better than that," she would dream of rare and delicious food, delightful dinner parties, heavy silver shining softly in the lamplight against snow-white linen, and admiring words whispered in her ear by the handsome man sitting beside her.

She had no gowns, no jewels, nothing. And she loved nothing but that. She felt made for that. She would have liked so much to please, to be envied, to be charming, to be sought after.

She had a friend, a former schoolmate at the convent, who was rich, and whom she did not like to go to see any more because she felt so sad when she came home.

But one evening her husband reached home with a triumphant air and holding a large envelope in his hand.

"There," said he, "there is something for you."
She tore the paper quickly and drew out a printed card which bore these words:

The Minister of Public Instruction and Madame Georges Ramponneau request the honor of M. and Madame Loisel's company at the palace of the Ministry on Monday evening, January 18th.

...to be continued...

Note: How would you like to find the equivalent for the expressions in boldface?

Monday, September 14, 2009

Solving-Rubicks-Puzzle

Marketing Bloopers

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example, observe the following examples below.

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means, "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out, as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-licking' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Remarks: Blooper - an embarrassing error.

Monday, August 31, 2009

CLASSIFIEDS

Free '92 Jeep Wrangler...
Midvale, UT 84047 - Jul 1, 2009

...with proposal and wedding ring.


That's right! Act now on this one-time offer. All you have to do is date and marry me and you can be the proud owner of a 1992 Jeep Wrangler (along with a 1970 woman). Jeep has a lift, safari top for the summer/hard top for the winter, rear locker, 33" tires and (new this year) an 8000 lb winch.

Not only do you get the Jeep, but you get me. And boys, I don't come stock. I am FULLY LOADED! My add-ons include: a great sense of humor, an affection for "garage nights" (that means working on stuff in the garage), an amazing work ethic, temple-worthiness, an appreciation for sports, the ability to live well within my means, logical reasoning skills, a "work hard so you can play hard" mentality, and I'm great with kids, too!

Terms and Conditions:

1. Marriage must last a minimum of 5 years.

2. Jeep cannot feel neglected - trips to Moab required - but it's a package deal. You take the Jeep, you take me!

3. Honda 400EX included in lifetime package.

4. Honeymoon required.

Contact me at wedding.jeep@hotmail.com

Men only, please. I am ALL woman!

That's It!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Laughter's the Best Medicine

Be Careful What You Name You Children

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with five young mothers and their small children.

‘You all have obsessions,’ he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, ‘You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.’

He turned to the second Mum, Ann: ‘Your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in your children’s names, Penny, Goldie and Frank.’

He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: ‘Your obsession is alcohol.This too shows itself in your children’s names: Brandy and Sherry. You even called the cat, “Whisky.”

He then turned to the fourth Mum June: “Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne & Poppy.

At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, ‘Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Let’s go pick up Fanny and Willy and go home.’

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

My Next Life

Woody Allen

"In my next life I want to live my life backwards.

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day.

You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for highschool.

You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsabilities, you become a baby until you are born.

And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then, Voila!

You finish off as an orgasm!

I rest my case".

Friday, July 24, 2009

Anti-Smoking Commercial

Yul Brynner died on October 10, 1985 (the same day as Orson Welles) in New York City at the age of 65. The cause of death was lung cancer brought on by smoking. Throughout his life, Brynner was always seen with a cigarette in his hand. In January 1985, nine months before his death, he gave an interview on Good Morning America, expressing his desire to make an anti-smoking commercial. A clip from that interview was made into just such a commercial by the American Cancer Society, and released after his death, which includes the warning “Now that I’m gone, I tell you, don’t smoke.”
See the Clip below.
H.C.

Image of The Day











Watch Out, Dude!

Laughter's the Best Medicine


Cure For Migraine

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor gets his history and gives him an exam, he discovers that the man has tried practically every therapy known for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the doctor, "I have migraines, too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school. But, it is advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while."

The doctor continued, "Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in five weeks."

Five weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for fifteen years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a really nice house."

Quote of The Day

"Christopher Columbus was the first socialist: he didn’t know where he was going, he didn’t know where he was… and he did it all at taxpayers expenses." Winston Churchill

Teaching Tips & Ideas


PREPOSITIONS

FROM – De. Desde. Indica o objeto do qual alguma coisa é separada, removida, defendida etc. Emprega-se com várias outras preposições.


PROCEDÊNCIA.

e.g.: - He is from Germany.
Rain comes from the sky.
Do never judge from appearances.
Defend us from all danger.
He retired from the party very early.
Brazil is separated from Portugal by the language.
They are so alike that I cannot distinguish one from another.
A familiar voice was heard from outside the door.
She stepped out from behind the curtain.

IN
- Em. Dentro de. Indica interioridade. Refere-se também a grandes localidades. Continentes, Países, Estados, Cidades, Bairros, Meses, Ano. Um Período de Tempo qualquer.

e.g.: - They are in the classroom.

In Australia.
We live in Brazil.
In Pernambuco.
In Recife.
In Copacabana.
I usually go to Rio in July.
In 1963.
In the morning.
In the Afternoon.
In Summer.

Why English Is So Hard To Learn


1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell into the sewer.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.

20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Word of The Day


Banner

Function: noun (count)

Plural: banners

Meanings:
a : a large strip of cloth with a design, picture, or writing on it
e.g. A banner was hung over the street advertising the local theater production. Banners were carried by members of each group marching in the parade.

Note: This sense of banner is often used figuratively.
e..g. Both candidates are running under the banner of "no new taxes." (both candidates are using "no new taxes" as a slogan). A group of scientists gathering together under the banner of NASA (in a meeting/event set up by NASA). Changes made under the banner of "restoring order" (for the officially stated purpose of restoring order).

1 b literary : flag
Example:

The Star-Spangled Banner

2 : words printed in large letters at the top of a newspaper’s front page under the name of the newspaper — called also banner headline

3 : an advertisement that is across the top of a page on the World Wide Web — called also banner ad

Friday, June 05, 2009

"Did You Evah!" is a song written by Cole Porter for his 1939 musical Du Barry Was a Lady, where it was introduced by Betty Grable and Charles Walters. It was also performed in the 1956 film High Society by Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra. Enjoy the Video below. H.C.

Did You Evah - High Society

Word of The Day

Unmask

Function: verb (with object)

Inflected forms:

unmasks; unmasked; unmasking

Meaning:

to reveal the true identity or nature of (someone or something)


e.g.
He was unmasked as a spy.

Laughter's the Best Medicine



Marital Humor

Wife

- ’What are you doing?’

- Husband: ’Nothing’.

- Wife: ’Nothing..? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for over an hour!!’

- Husband: ‘I was looking for the expiration date.’


Wife

- ‘Do you want dinner?’

- Husband: ‘Sure! What are my choices?’

- Wife: ‘Yes or no.’

Wife

- ‘You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why?’

- Hubby
: ‘When there is a problem, no matter how great it is, I look at your picture and the problem simply disappears.’

- Wife: ‘You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?’

- Hubby: ‘Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?’


Girl

- ‘When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles, and lighten your burden.’

- Boy: ‘It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.’

- Girl: ‘Well, that’s because we aren’t married yet.’


Son

- ‘Mommie, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to be polite and give up my seat to a lady.’

- Mom: ‘Well, you have done the right thing.’

- Son: ‘But mommie, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.’


A newly married man asked his wife

- ‘Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me that fortune?’

- ‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly,

- ‘I’d have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU THAT FORTUNE!’


Girl to her boyfriend

- One kiss and I’ll be yours forever.
The guy replies:

- ‘Thanks for the early warning.’


A wife asked her husband

- ‘What do you like most in me, my cooking, my pretty face or my sexy body?’

He looked at her from head to toe, smiled, and replied:

- ‘Well …….I REALLY like your sense of humor!’

Quote of The Day

"Dear World, I am leaving because I am bored. I feel I have lived long enough. I am leaving you with your worries in this sweet cesspool. Good luck." This was the suicide note left by George Sanders an English film and television actor. He was found dead in his hotel room, along with five empty bottles of Nembutal. Sanders was 65 years old. His body was cremated and the ashes were scattered in the English Channel

An Ode to English Plurals


We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes, but the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice, Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England. We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.

We have noses that run and feet that smell.

We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.

And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?

Sunday, May 17, 2009

HIGH SOCIETY

High Society is a musical film made (1956) by Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer in VistaVision and Technicolor with music and lyrics by Cole Porter. It was directed by Charles Walters and produced by Sol C. Siegel from a screenplay by John Patrick, based on the play The Philadelphia Story by Philip Barry. The cinematography was by Paul Vogel, the art direction by Cedric Gibbons and Hans Peters and the costume design by Helen Rose.The film stars Bing Crosby, Grace Kelly, Frank Sinatra, Celeste Holm with Louis Armstrong, John Lund, Louis Calhern, Sidney Blackmer, and Margalo Gillmore.

High Society marked the final acting role for Grace Kelly before she became Princess of Monaco and the film was actually released three months after her marriage to Prince Rainier III of Monaco. At the time of the film's release, Sinatra and Holm were over forty and Crosby was fifty-three and Kelly, however, was only twenty-six. Enjoy Frank Sinatra & Celeste Holm singing "Who Wants to Be a Milionaire," H.C.

BREAKING NEWS: JULY 8TH:


AT 5 MINUTES AND 6 SECONDS AFTER 4 A.M., ON THE 8TH OF JULY, THIS YEAR, THE TIME AND DATE WILL BE:

04:05:06 07-08-09

THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN UNTIL THE YEAR 3009!!!

REASONS WHY NOT

Just imagine that some important changes should be performed in the company you work for. After a number of staff meetings everything seems to remain the same. Those sentences below were presented as good reasons for not changing anything at all. Your task is to study these sentences and give your personal opinion.

It has never been tried before.
We tried it before.
We’ve never done it before.
Another company tried it before.
We’ve been doing it this way for 25 years.
It won’t work in a small company.
It won’t work in a large company.
It won’t work in our company.
Why change, it’s working ok.
The boss will never buy it.
It needs further investigation.
Our competitors are not doing it.
It’s too much trouble to change.
Our company is different.
The Ad Dept. says it can’t be done.
The Sales Dept. says it can’t be sold.
The Service Dept. won’t like it.
The janitor says it won’t work.
It can’t be done. That’s it !
We don’t have the money.
We don’t have the personnel.
We don’t have the equipment.
The Union will scream.
It’s too visionary.
You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

Word of The Day


UBIQUITOUS

Function: adjective

Comparative and superlative forms: more ubiquitous; most ubiquitous

Meaning: seeming to be seen everywhere

e.g. ubiquitous celebrities

The company’s advertisements are ubiquitous.


Derived forms: Ubiquitously adverb

ubiquitousness noun (noncount)

ubiquity noun (noncount)

Status: formal


e.g. The ubiquity of the company’s ads

Laughter's the Best Medicine


The Confessional Booth

After a heavy night of drinking at the local bar, a drunk stumbles into a Catholic church and slowly makes his way into the confessional booth. There, the priest patiently awaits the man to begin his confession.

After a few minutes of silence, the priest politely taps on the window… nothing. The priest taps again and this time clears his throat a bit… still nothing. At this point the priest begins to lose his patience and bangs on the window.

Finally the dunk yells out…

- “Ain’t no use knocking, there ain’t no paper over here either!”

Quote of The Day


"Life is a great big canvas; throw all the paint you can at it." Danny Kaye, American award-winning actor and comedian

Teaching Tips & Ideas


PREPOSITIONS

AMIDST - Indica a posição de objetos e pessoas no meio deoutros. Emprega-se também em sentido figurado com substantivos abstratos.

e.g.:
- We saw her amidst the crowd.
The ship sank amidst the waves.
She found herself amidst the confusion.

AMONG - AMONGST - Entre. Indicam a posição de objetos misturados com outros. Raras vezes são empregados em sentido figurado.

e.g.: - They decided among themselves.
There never ought to be dissentions amongst friends.
I divided my books among them.

AROUND - Ao redor de. Em redor de. Por volta de.

e.g.: - She tied a yellow ribbon around the Ole Oak Tree.
We’ll be there around midnight.
Around the world in 80 days.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Singin' in the Rain

In Brazil, "Cantando na Chuva", in Portugal "Serenata à Chuva", is a 1952 comedy musical film starring Gene Kelly, Donald O'Connor, and Debbie Reynolds. Directed by Kelly and Stanley Donen, with Kelly also providing the choreography. Kelly's most remembered and most loved number seems to be the title dance.

To quote Will Friedwald: “It's not only the four most rapturous minutes in the history of cinema, but everything that dance should be, a glorious affirmation of everything that it means to be alive.” The movie is frequently described as one of the best musicals ever made. Enjoy the Video right under. H.C.


THE CHAUFFEUR

(To be read with your best British accent)

Mrs. Winterly was a very rich woman. Her husband was a multi-millionaire. She was quite young and he was quite old. She was twenty-eight and he was fifty-eight. They lived in a very large house in England. Mrs. Winterly never cooked or cleaned the house. She never worked and she never drove a car. When she wanted to go anywhere she would call Charles. Charles was her chauffeur. Mr. Winterly travelled a lot. He flew to many countries to do business. Mrs Winterly did not like to fly so she often stayed at home. Once Mr. Winterly went to America for a week. Mrs. Winterly decided to go shopping so she walked to the garage to find Charles. She found him in his room above the garage. Mrs Winterly looked at him and said in a whisper,

- “Charles, take off my hat”
- “Certainly, madam,” Charles replied.
Then he took off Mrs. Winterly’s hat.

- “Charles, take off my coat.”
- “Certainly, madam,” Charles replied.
Then he took off Mrs. Winterly’s coat.

- “Charles, take off my shoes.”
- “Certainly, madam,” Charles replied.
Then he took off Mrs. Winterly’s shoes.

- “Charles, take off my dress.”
- “Certainly, madam,” Charles replied.
Then he took off Mrs. Winterly’s dress.

Then, Mrs. Winterly looked deep into the eyes of the chauffeur and said,

- …“AND DON’T YOU DARE TO WEAR MY CLOTHES AGAIN!”…

(extracted from Lessons With Laughter – London 1996)

Word of The Day


PETRIFY

Function: verb

Inflected forms:
petrifies; petrified; petrifying

Meanings:

1 - (with object): to make (someone) very afraid

e.g.
It petrifies (terrifies) me to think of how close we came to dying.

2 - (technical): to slowly change (something, such as wood) into stone or a substance like stone over a very long period of time

e.g.
(with object) the processes that petrify wood
(no object) The dead tree petrified into stone.

Laughter's the Best Medicine


I’M THE BOSS

Nancy trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette. One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her. Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded,

- "Dressed a little casual today, aren't you ?”

The man replied…

- "That's one benefit of owning the company."

THE GOLDEN TWELVE

"Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?", the older man asked the suitor.

- Yes, sir, replied Richard, "I'm sure I am."
- Think carefully now," said Jane's father warningly.

-"There are twelve of us!"

Quote of The Day

"Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us."
William B. "Bill" Watterson II American cartoonist is the author of the comic strip "Calvin and Hobbes" cartoon series.

Teaching Tips & Ideas


PREPOSITION - THE UNPREDICTABLE WORD



INTO
– Em. Dentro. Indica movimento para dentro de algum lugar.

e.g.: - She poured the tea into the teapot.
The babies got into the cradle.
They went into the garage.
She fell into the pool.

ON – Indica contato de superfície. Usa-se também para ruas e avenidas,
dias da semana e para especificar um dia ou uma data.
e.g.: - There is a painting on the wall.
He lives on Madison Avenue.
I always go to the beach on Sundays.
On Xmas Eve.
The invasion of Normandy started on the morning of June 4 1944.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Danny Kaye conducts New York Philharmonic in Aida Triumphant March

Danny Kaye was an American award-winning actor, singer and comedian. What perhaps most of you do not know is that Danny Kaye won millions of dollars and died in Los Angeles in 1987 practically with no money. What he received he used to give to the needy. He helped many colleagues who were in misery and distributed the rest to charitable institutions. In 2000, the UNESCO awarded him "Citizen of the World" (he had to die). Below is one of his best performances. Watch his lips. Try to read them! H.C.

What Doctors Actually Mean


Ever wondered what the doctor actually means when talking to you? Here is a guide to decoding them:

“This should be taken care of right away.”
I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

“Welllllll, what have we here…?”
He has no idea and is hoping you’ll give him a clue.

“Let me check your medical history.”
I want to see if you’ve paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

“Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week.”
I’m playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
–or–
I need the bucks, so I’m charging you for another office visit.

“We have some good news and some bad news.”
The good news is, I’m going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you’re going to pay for it.

“Let’s see how it develops.”
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

“Let me schedule you for some tests.”
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

“I’d like to have my associate look at you.”
He’s going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

“I’d like to prescribe a new drug.”
I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

“If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call.”
I don’t know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

“That’s quite a nasty looking wound.”
I think I’m going to throw up.

“This may smart a little.”
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

“Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we…?”
I’m stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

“This should fix you up.”
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

“Everything seems to be normal.”
Rats! I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all.

“I’d like to run some more tests.”
I can’t figure out what’s wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

“Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?”
You’re crazier’n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who’ll split fees with me …

“There is a lot of that going around.”
My God, that’s the third one this week. I’d better learn something about this.

“If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment.”
I’ve never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I’m off next week.

Quote of The Day


"THE ONLY THING WE HAVE TO FEAR IS FEAR ITSELF."
Franklin Delano Roosevelt (January 30, 1882 – April 12, 1945), often referred to by his initials FDR, was the 32nd President of The United States of America

Laughter's the Best Medicine


WORST AGE OF ALL

Sixty is the worst age to be, said the 60-year-old man. You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.

- Ah, that’s nothing, said the 70-year-old. When you’re seventy, you don’t have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin comes out!

- Actually, said the 80-year-old, Eighty is the worst age of all.

- Do you have trouble peeing, too? asked the 60-year old.

- No, I pee every morning at 6:00. No problem at all.

- So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?

- No, I have one every morning at 6:30.

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what’s so bad about being 80?"

- "I don’t wake up until 7:00."