THE CHAUFFEUR

(To be read with your best British accent)

Mrs. Winterly was a very rich woman. Her husband was a multi-millionaire. She was quite young and he was quite old. She was twenty-eight and he was fifty-eight. They lived in a very large house in England. Mrs. Winterly never cooked or cleaned the house. She never worked and she never drove a car. When she wanted to go anywhere she would call Charles. Charles was her chauffeur. Mr. Winterly travelled a lot. He flew to many countries to do business. Mrs Winterly did not like to fly so she often stayed at home. Once Mr. Winterly went to America for a week. Mrs. Winterly decided to go shopping so she walked to the garage to find Charles. She found him in his room above the garage. Mrs Winterly looked at him and said in a whisper,

- “Charles, take off my hat”
- “Certainly, madam,” Charles replied.
Then he took off Mrs. Winterly’s hat.

- “Charles, take off my coat.”
- “Certainly, madam,” Charles replied.
Then he took off Mrs. Winterly’s coat.

- “Charles, take off my shoes.”
- “Certainly, madam,” Charles replied.
Then he took off Mrs. Winterly’s shoes.

- “Charles, take off my dress.”
- “Certainly, madam,” Charles replied.
Then he took off Mrs. Winterly’s dress.

Then, Mrs. Winterly looked deep into the eyes of the chauffeur and said,

- …“AND DON’T YOU DARE TO WEAR MY CLOTHES AGAIN!”…

(extracted from Lessons With Laughter – London 1996)

Word of The Day

PETRIFY

Function: verb

Inflected forms:
petrifies; petrified; petrifying

Meanings:

1 - (with object): to make (someone) very afraid

e.g.
It petrifies (terrifies) me to think of how close we came to dying.

2 - (technical): to slowly change (something, such as wood) into stone or a substance like stone over a very long period of time

e.g.
(with object) the processes that petrify wood
(no object) The dead tree petrified into stone.

Laughter's the Best Medicine

I’M THE BOSS

Nancy trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette. One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her. Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded,

- "Dressed a little casual today, aren't you ?”

The man replied…

- "That's one benefit of owning the company."

THE GOLDEN TWELVE

"Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?", the older man asked the suitor.

- Yes, sir, replied Richard, "I'm sure I am."
- Think carefully now," said Jane's father warningly.

-"There are twelve of us!"

Quote of The Day

"Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us."
William B. "Bill" Watterson II American cartoonist is the author of the comic strip "Calvin and Hobbes" cartoon series.

Teaching Tips & Ideas

PREPOSITION - THE UNPREDICTABLE WORD



INTO – Em. Dentro. Indica movimento para dentro de algum lugar.

e.g.: - She poured the tea into the teapot.
The babies got into the cradle.
They went into the garage.
She fell into the pool.

ON – Indica contato de superfície. Usa-se também para ruas e avenidas,
dias da semana e para especificar um dia ou uma data.
e.g.: - There is a painting on the wall.
He lives on Madison Avenue.
I always go to the beach on Sundays.
On Xmas Eve.
The invasion of Normandy started on the morning of June 4 1944.

Danny Kaye conducts New York Philharmonic in Aida Triumphant March

Danny Kaye was an American award-winning actor, singer and comedian. What perhaps most of you do not know is that Danny Kaye won millions of dollars and died in Los Angeles in 1987 practically with no money. What he received he used to give to the needy. He helped many colleagues who were in misery and distributed the rest to charitable institutions. In 2000, the UNESCO awarded him "Citizen of the World" (he had to die). Below is one of his best performances. Watch his lips. Try to read them! H.C.

What Doctors Actually Mean

Ever wondered what the doctor actually means when talking to you? Here is a guide to decoding them:

“This should be taken care of right away.”
I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

“Welllllll, what have we here…?”
He has no idea and is hoping you’ll give him a clue.

“Let me check your medical history.”
I want to see if you’ve paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

“Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week.”
I’m playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
–or–
I need the bucks, so I’m charging you for another office visit.

“We have some good news and some bad news.”
The good news is, I’m going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you’re going to pay for it.

“Let’s see how it develops.”
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

“Let me schedule you for some tests.”
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

“I’d like to have my associate look at you.”
He’s going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

“I’d like to prescribe a new drug.”
I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

“If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call.”
I don’t know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

“That’s quite a nasty looking wound.”
I think I’m going to throw up.

“This may smart a little.”
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

“Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we…?”
I’m stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

“This should fix you up.”
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

“Everything seems to be normal.”
Rats! I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all.

“I’d like to run some more tests.”
I can’t figure out what’s wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

“Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?”
You’re crazier’n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who’ll split fees with me …

“There is a lot of that going around.”
My God, that’s the third one this week. I’d better learn something about this.

“If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment.”
I’ve never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I’m off next week.

Quote of The Day

"THE ONLY THING WE HAVE TO FEAR IS FEAR ITSELF."
Franklin Delano Roosevelt (January 30, 1882 – April 12, 1945), often referred to by his initials FDR, was the 32nd President of The United States of America

Laughter's the Best Medicine

WORST AGE OF ALL

Sixty is the worst age to be, said the 60-year-old man. You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.

- Ah, that’s nothing, said the 70-year-old. When you’re seventy, you don’t have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin comes out!

- Actually, said the 80-year-old, Eighty is the worst age of all.

- Do you have trouble peeing, too? asked the 60-year old.

- No, I pee every morning at 6:00. No problem at all.

- So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?

- No, I have one every morning at 6:30.

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what’s so bad about being 80?"

- "I don’t wake up until 7:00."

Word of The Day

FACE VALUE

Function: noun (count)

Plural: face values

Meaning:
The value that is printed or shown on something (such as a coin or bill)

e.g. We paid $100 for tickets that had a face value of $50.

Idiom: At face value

Meanings:
1 - for the price that is printed on something

e.g. We bought the tickets at face value.

2 - Something that is taken or accepted at face value is regarded as true or genuine without being questioned or doubted.

e.g. After all his lying, nothing he says now should be taken at face value.(accepted as true)

Teaching Tips & Ideas

PREPOSITION - THE UNPREDICTABLE WORD

NEAR - Perto de. Indica proximidade. Empregado
antes do Particípio Presente equivale a “a ponto de”.
e.g.: - You were near falling into the pool. He lives near the church.

OF - De. Caso genitivo. Posse.
e.g.: - A glass of water.
A couple of pigeons.
The pages of the book.
The privileges of the Royal Family.

OFF - Longe de. Fora. Indica separação. Distância etc.
e.g.: - Take off your hat.
She fell off the bike.
The stream is two miles off.

If I Fell

Image of The Day

LAST RIDE

THE WRONG DOOR

The air hostess is at the back of the airplane preparing the trays for lunch. A little old lady comes in and speaks to her:

- “Where’s the ladies’ toilet ?”

- “It’s right at the other end of the airplane – at the front!”

She walks to the front of the airplane and opens the door. She sees the captain and his co-pilot. They are busy. They don’t see her.

Then she returns to the air hostess.

- “Is everything O.K.?” the girl asks the lady.

- “Yes, but there are two men in the ladies’ toilet watching TV!”

Adapted from Intermediate Stories for Reproduction, by L.A. Hill


Now... Answer the questions:

Where does this conversation take place ?
Who is at the back of the airplane and what is she doing ?
Who comes in and what does this lady do ?
Where is the ladies’ toilet according to the air hostess ?
What does the lady do then and what does she see ?
What does the old lady say to the air hostess ?

Quote of The Day

"Sink the Bismarck!" A terse order issued by Winston Churchill, Britain's Prime Minister during WW2




(The Bismarck was one of the most fearsome german baattleships afloat. Its Mission: force Britain's surrender)

Laughter's the Best Medicine

BENEFIT OF HAVING SAME NAME FOR ALL KIDS

A scouser goes to the council to register for child benefit.

- “How many children?” asks the council worker.

- “10″ replies the woman.

- “10?” says the council worker. “What are their names?”

- “Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne” she answers.

- “What? They’ve all got the same name?” says the council worker, “Doesn’t that get confusing?”

- “Oh no,” says the scouse woman, “It’s great!

- If they’re out playing in the street I just have to yell ‘WAAAAAYNE, YER DINNERS READY’ or ‘WAAAAAAYNE GO TO BED NOW YER LOUSY LAD!’ and they all do it.”

- “But what if you want to speak to one individually?” asks the perturbed council worker.

- “That’s easy,” says the Scouse woman

- “I just use their surnames.”

Word of The Day

TIDY

Function: adjective

Comparative and superlative forms: tidier; tidiest also more tidy; most tidy

Meanings:

1 - clean and organized - not messy

e.g. She keeps her desk tidy. (neat)

a tidy kitchen. The house is neat and tidy. (lean and organized)

2 - keeping things clean and organized

e.g. He has always been a tidy person.

3 - of an amount of money, informal. Fairly large

e.g. She earns a tidy salary. They paid a tidy sum for the house.

Teaching Tips & Ideas

PREPOSITION, THE UNPREDICTABLE WORD

ACROSS - Indica movimento ou extensão por cima de um objeto, de um lado para outro. – Através de.

e.g.: - He lives across the street.
She swam across the river.

AFTER - Depois de, após, atrás de, em busca ou no encalço de, à maneira de, abaixo de (graduação).

e.g.: - After a storm comes a calm.
The letter arrived the day after.
Peter went after his brothers.
The policeman ran after the crook.
A painting after Rembrandt.
A captain comes after a major.

AGAINST - Contra, em contato com, para, (em previsão de).

e.g.: - Let’s all fight against tyranny.
The public opinion was against George Bush.
She was leaning against the wall.
We must save against bad days in the future.

RULES OF THUMB – “RATHER”

RATHER - Um tanto, Meio
OR RATHER - Ou melhor, Aliás
WOULD RATHER - Preferiria
RATHER THAN - Em vez de

e.g. “She is rather tall, or rather, she is tall, but if she could choose, she would rather be short rather than tall”.

Rather peculiar the example above, don’t you think ?

Image of The Day