LAUGHTER’S THE BEST MEDICINE

What A Coincidence

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says,

- "I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland ."

The other woman responds proudly, ‘

- "Yes, I sure am!" The first one says,

- "So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?" The other woman answers,

- "I’m from Dublin, I am." The first one responds,

- "So, am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?" The other woman says,

- "A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town." The first one says,

- "Faith, and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?" The other woman answers,

- "Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course." The first one gets really excited and says,

- "And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?" The other woman answers,

- "Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964." The first woman exclaims,

- "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it?

- "I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!"

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters,

- "It’s going to be a long night tonight." Michael asks,

- "Why do you say that, Brian?" Brian answers,

- “The Murphy twins are drunk again!"

Teaching Tips

An oxymoron (plural oxymorons or oxymora) (from Greek ?µ?, "sharp dull") is a figure of speech that combines contradictory terms: e.g. "thunderous silence".
Below is a long list. Help yourself. HC

47. Act naturally
46. Found missing
45. Resident alien
44. Advanced BASIC
43. Genuine imitation
42. Airline Food
41. Good grief
40. Same difference
39. Almost exactly
38. Government organization
37. Sanitary landfill
36. Alone together
35. Legally drunk
34. Silent scream
33. American history
32. Living dead
31. Small crowd
30. Business ethics
29. Soft rock
28. Butt Head
27. Military Intelligence
26. Software documentation
25. New York culture
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."
20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force
15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased
10. Computer security
09. Political science
08. Tight slacks
07. Definite maybe
06. Pretty ugly
05. Twelve-ounce pound cake
04. Diet ice cream
03. Working vacation
02. Exact estimate

And the Number one top Oxymoron

01. Microsoft Works

Quotation Of The Day

"When I was in university, there was this major historian of the Third Reich, Ian Kershaw, who said, 'The path to Auschwitz was paved with indifference.' (...) it's an interesting idea that not everyone in Germany had to be a raving anti-Semite. They just had to be apathetic." - Sacha Baron Cohen

Mr Cohen is an English stand-up comedian, writer, actor, and voice artist. He is most widely known for writing and playing three unorthodox fictional characters Ali G, Borat, and Brüno.

Wise Sentence of The Day

"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternising with the enemy".

Warning Signs On Alcohol Bottles

Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.

Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.

Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.

LAUGHTER’S THE BEST MEDICINE

Zodiac : Hidden Meanings

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb 18) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a jerk.

PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20) - You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have a minor influence on your friends, and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 20) - You are the pioneer type and think most people are quick-tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You too are a jerk.

TAURUS (Apr 21-May 20) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded.

GEMINI (May 21-Jun 20) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard.

CANCER (Jun 21-Jul 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everybody in prison is a Cancer.

LEO (Jul 23-Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you're an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves and spend most of their lives kissing mirrors.

VIRGO (Aug 23-Sep 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

LIBRA (Sep 23-Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male, you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21) - The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarius' are drunks. You are not worth the time of day.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19) - You are conservative and are afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

Steve Jobs - Very Funny

From this television special Francis Albert Sinatra does his thing. Cycles is a very beautiful song, and it's one of my most favorite. HC

So I'm down so I'm out
And so are many others
So I feel like tryin' to hide
My head 'neath these covers
Life is like the seasons
After winter comes the spring
So I'll keep this smile awhile
And see what tomorrow brings

I've been told and I believe
That life is meant for livin'
And even when my chips are low
There's still some left for givin'
I've been many places
Maybe not as far as you
So I think I'll stay awhile
And see if some dreams come true

There isn't much that I have learned
Through all my foolish years
Except that life keeps runnin' in cycles
First there's laughter, then those tears

But I'll keep my head up high
Although I'm kinda tired
My gal just up and left last week
Friday I got fired
You know it's almost funny
But things can't get worse than now
So I'll keep on tryin' to sing
But please, just don't ask me how

LAUGHTER’S THE BEST MEDICINE

Sunday morning at the Congregation


The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said,

- "I have a praise............ Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice,

- "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said,

- "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."




=

Songs as a teaching tool

Hugo Caldas



Should we use songs in class?

Advantages

A – Learning becomes something fun and enjoyable.
B – Music warms up the atmosphere and creates conditions for the approach of a new subject.
C – Students improve their English vocabulary and get acquainted with the culture and the spirit of the people whose language they are learning.
D – Students develop listening and pronunciation skills.
E – Students feel gratified and proud of being able to use English from the very beginning of learning it.
F – Singing together helps socialization.

When should we sing?

A –When we want to encourage then to learn.
B –When we notice that they are tired.
C –When they ask us to.
D –When the song has something to do with the lesson we’re studying.
E – At the end of a term and at the beginning of a new one.
F – On the eve of a special holiday, students’ birthday, Xmas, etc.

What songs should we sing?

A – The ones which have a lot of repetition and which contain the vocabulary and grammatical structures, we want to emphasize in that particular class.
B – Songs appropriate to the age and educational level of them.
C – Folk songs, which are familiar in both the students’culture and the culture of the new language they are learning.
D – Songs that are not familiar in the students’culture but they are likely to hear because of the international nature of the songs.
E – Hit Parade songs which are also known here.
F – Try different styles but do not forget to ask students what they would like to sing.

Reading & Comprehension

Worksheet

Old Jake

Everybody knows him as Old Jake. He lives in a little cabin in the middle of a small wood, about as mile from the nearest village. He goes to the village store twice a week to buy food and kerosene, and occasionally he collects letters and his pension from the local post office. Some time ago, a reporter from the local newspaper interviewed him.

Here is what he said:

“I get up with the birds. There is a stream near my house where I fetch water from there. It’s good, clear, fresh water, much better than you get in the city. Occasionally, in the winter, I have to break the ice. I cook simple food on my kerosene stove; mostly stews and things like that. Sometimes I go to the pub and have a drink or two, but I don’t see many people. I don’t feel lonely. I know this wood very well, you see. I know all the little birds and animals that live here and they know me. I don’t have much money, but I don’t need much. I think I’m a lucky man.

Now, answer the following questions:

1 – Where does Old Jake live?
2 – Who interviewed him recently?
3 – How far is it to the village?
4 – How often does Old Jake go to the village?
5 – What does he buy from the village store?
6 – What does he collect from the Post Office?
7 – Where does he get his water from?
8 – What does he say about the water in the stream?
9 – What sort of things does Old Jake cook?
10 – What does he cook on?

Teaching Tips

Tag Questions

A Question Tag is a special construction in English. It is a statement followed by a mini-question. The whole sentence is a "tag question", and the mini-question at the end is called a "question tag". A "tag" is something small that we add to something larger. For example, the little piece of cloth added to a shirt showing size or washing instructions is a tag.

We use tag questions at the end of statements to ask for confirmation. They mean something like: "Am I right?" or "Do you agree?" They are very common in English.

The basic structure is:
A statement, a comma and the question
e.g. The sky above us is blue, isn't it? - You don't like vegetables, do you?

Always remember:
Positive statement, negative tag
Negative statement, positive tag

Practise - Complete the Tags:

1 - You study Japanese,_______? She doesn't eat potaes,_______?
2 - We don't play the piano,_______? The like to play soccr,_______?
3 - You are from Japan,_______? She likes to travel,_______?

Video Clip of the Day

Gilda is a 1946 American black-and-white film noir directed by Charles Vidor. It stars Glenn Ford and Rita Hayworth in her signature role as the ultimate femme fatale. "There never was a woman like Gilda". The film's plot is continually narrated by Johnny Farrell (Glenn Ford), a small-time American gambler newly arrived in Buenos Aires. When he wins a lot of money cheating at craps, he has to be rescued from a robbery attempt by a complete stranger, Ballin Mundson (George Macready). Mundson tells him about an illegal high-class casino, but warns him not to practice his skills there. Farrell ignores his advice, cheats at blackjack, and is taken by two men to see the casino's owner, who turns out to be Mundson. Farrell talks Mundson into hiring him and quickly gains his confidence. The film was noted for cinematographer Rudolph Mate's lush photography, costume designer Jean Louis' wardrobe for Hayworth, particularly for the dance numbers, and choreographer Jack Cole's staging of "Put the Blame on Mame" and "Amado Mio", sung by Anita Ellis, who dubbed the singimg voice of Rita Hayworth. Miss Ellis also sang on the radio and was a regular guest on The Red Skelton Show. She eventually ended her career in 1987. Enjoy the Clip. HC

Wise Sentence of The Day

“Thirty years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have no jobs, no cash and no hope ” An American citizen.

LAUGHTER’S THE BEST MEDICINE

Doctors meeting

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.

Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."

The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."

The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."

Rules Are Rules
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for most patients when they're being discharged. However, this girl working as a student nurse found one elderly gentleman -- already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase as his feet -- who insisted he didn't need her help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let the nurse wheel him to the elevator. On the way down, she asked if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "I think she's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

Jake and the CowFarmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him.

Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered their sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down, but when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"

"Well," Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, 'Is that mule for sale?' and I shook my head, no."

Now, Ponder these

Steven Right



What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Useless Erudition

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

"lollipop" is the longest word typed with your right hand.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

Our eyes are always the same size from birth,
but our nose and ears never stop growing.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' , and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (they are known as palindromes).

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious and facetious

TYPEWRITER
The longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

Word Origins

Beefeater

This term has been around since 1610. It originally meant a well-fed servant. The more famous use in reference to the Yeoman of the Guard of the English royal household and later to the Warders of the Tower of London dates to 1671. Beefeater is quite literal in origin, being a reference to the diets of well-off and spoiled servants. It contrasts with loaf-eater, a reference to a servant who eats the bread provided by his master, a term that dates back to Old English.

It is often incorrectly postulated the term comes from a supposed French word, buffetier. This alleged root, which would mean one who eats from a buffet, does not exist. Sometimes the word beaufet is presented as a transitional form, but this is simply a 17th century alternative spelling of buffet and appears later than beefeater.

(Source: Oxford English Dictionary, 2nd Edition)

Word of The Day

Anonymous - adjective

MEANING

Not named or identified
e.g. The donor wishes to remain anonymous. An anonymous buyer purchased the painting.

Made or done by someone unknown
e.g. The college received an anonymous gift. He made an anonymous phone call to the police. The reporter got an anonymous tip.

(more anonymous; most anonymous)

Not distinct or noticeable
Lacking interesting or unusual characteristics.
e.g. She works in an anonymous (bland, nondescript) brick building. His was just another anonymous face in the crowd.

— anonymously adverb
e.g. They made the donation anonymously.

Clip of the Day

Joe Brown, is an English entertainer. He's worked as a rock and roll singer and guitarist for more than five decades. He was a stage and television performer in the late 1950s and a UK recording star in the early 1960s. Mr. Brown has made six films, presented specialist radio series for BBC Radio 2, appeared on the West End stage alongside Dame Anna Neagle. In recent years he has again concentrated on recording and performing music, playing two tours of around 100 shows every year and releasing an album almost every year. Described by the Guinness Book of British Hit Singles & Albums, as a "chirpy Cockney", Brown was one of the original artists managed by the early rock impresario, Larry Parnes". He is highly regarded in the music business as a 'musician's musician' who 'commands respect and admiration from a wide spectrum of artists'. His performance of "I'll See You In My Dreams" at the "Concert for George" shows that he is still great after all these years. HC