Looks Can Be Deceptive
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she asked
- “Is my time up?” God said,
- “No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
- “I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?” God replied:
- “Shit! I didn’t recognize you.”
Quick Thinking
A man walked into the produce section of a local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager:
- "Some asshole wants to buy a half head of lettuce."
The manager was looking behind the boy, so the boy turned around to see the man standing right behind him. So he quickly added:
- "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy:
- "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here."
- "Thank you, sir," the boy replied.
- "Where are you from, son?"
- "Texas, sir."
- "Well, why did you leave Texas?" the manager asked.
The boy said
- "Sir, there's nothing down there but whores and football players!"
- "Really," said the manager. "My wife is from Texas."
- "No kidding!" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
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